WASHINGTON, D.C. — A gunman opened fire at the Washington Hilton on Saturday evening, near the ballroom where the annual Washington Correspondents’ Dinner was taking place. One security guard was struck in a bulletproof vest, but was unharmed. President Trump, who was seated at the head table on stage in the ballroom, was not awakened by the shooting.

The gunman, who was staying at the hotel as a guest, had rushed past a checkpoint with a “long gun” and fired six shots in rapid succession. He was quickly subdued by guards and disarmed. Inside the ballroom one floor below the checkpoint, security personnel equipped with tactical rifles, and night vision goggles for some reason, stood guard on the stage as Secret Service agents escorted diners at the head table to safety. These VIPs included Vice President JD Vance and First Lady Melania Trump, multiple cabinet members, and the president, who according to multiple witnesses was snoring, murmuring, and drooling just a little bit.

Muliple Secret Service agents were seen trying to lift the president by the arms with no success. “Okay, one, two, three,” an agent said, as several of them lifted in unison. At that point the president’s chair almost fell over, so they set him back down. “It’s not gonna work. We gotta wake him up.” “How?” another said. “Uhh-uhh,” said another, with a rising-and-falling intonation that presumably meant “I don’t know.”

CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, who had just returned to the ballroom after taking a “huge whiz” when the shots were fired, later confirmed, “He was out cold. No doubt about it. He had that look, like your grandpa when he’s laid out in the Barcalounger after Thanksgiving dinner. Fast asleep, even though he just asked you to turn the volume way up on the football game.” Blitzer then leaned back, closed his eyes and stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth. “Like that, kinda.”

After the Secret Service failed to evacuate the president, the first lady came back on stage, dismissing her escorts, and stood with her hands on her hips, glaring at the president. She appeared to say the word “unbelievable” under her breath, then pushed past the agents, grabbed a full pitcher of ice water, and dumped its contents on the president’s head. The president seemed to stir, but did not wake, his golden locks clinging to his forehead like the glistening, placenta-soaked hair of a newborn calf. Then, according to witness Megyn Kelly, “she slapped him. Twice. Hard.”

“She did NOT hold back,” Kelly added, raising her eyebrows.

After this, the president opened his eyes slowly, one at a time, and looked around. “Did I miss Don Rickles?” he said, referring to the deceased comedian. At this point, the Secret Service was able to get him to his feet, and whisk him off stage to safety.

Opportunist Joe Rogan, who was seated near the stage, said, “It might have been the gummy I gave him. He was hounding me for one. I told him, just do a little nibble at a time. But he waved me off, saying ‘yeah, yeah, give me one of the peach flavored ones, I like those.’ Honestly, I just wanted him to leave me alone. When he gets fixated like that, it’s just a really creepy, intense energy.” Rogan then visibly shuddered.

“The president is unflappable,” said Tucker Carlson on his Fox News broadcast later that evening. “Braver than Jesus, by a factor of about a million.” Carlson then took out one of those party horns with a curled-up paper attachment that extends when you blow it, put it to his mouth, and blew.

The gunman was later identified as a struggling indie video game developer, which honestly tracks.